An Anxiety Essay from JET 2012

So, I've talked about how after my rejection last February, I stopped thinking about JET other than to support my friend Staci-chin (check out her blog as she goes to Japan in Staci-chan in Japan). But, that's not the whole story. In this final semester of college, I needed to take Advanced Writing to complete my degree. Stupidly, I volunteered to write an essay for our first workshop day, so I only had two nights to write this essay. It was January and all I could think about was JET, so I wrote an essay about applying for JET. Because of this essay, I never really got to step away from JET or the stress of the application process for the rest of the semester. As I edited and rewrote this paper for my final portfolio over the course of the semester, I learned a lot about myself as a writer, as an applicant, as a lover of Japan, as a person. I think it is one of the best things I've ever written and I would love to share it with you all. If anyone hasn't applied before or if anyone has, they can experience a bit of what applying for JET 2012 meant for me. So here it is. Enjoy.

Anxiety, Excitement, and Dreams

            I’m standing at a crossroad. Here, my plans and my dream meet. I graduated from high school, moved out of my parents’ house, went to college, and even got married. But this is the heaviest moment yet. I stand here waiting to see if my dreams will come to pass now or be put off for even longer. Everyone has dreams, most assumed to be unattainable. Mine was never in doubt. “When I graduate, I’m going to do the JET Programme and teach English in Japan for at least a year.” I said it, but I never once stopped to think about how I would actually do it. Now, I’m trapped in that moment at that crossroad.

            On my first day of preschool, I told my mother, “I want to be a teacher just like Mrs. Smith.” This sentiment never waned. As I got older, my feelings grew: I wanted to be a teacher like Mr. Forget, Mr. Sauchuk, Mrs. Francescone, and so many others. Teaching was and is my chosen career, not some unreachable dream. I know that I will be a teacher. I was in fifth grade, when my Nana told me about the JET Programme: the Japan Exchange and Teaching Program. JET is the largest exchange teaching program in the world, with a huge success rate. If, hopefully when, I get in, I will be an assistant language teacher. I will teach Japanese students English as a foreign language. It sounded perfect to me, like the coolest thing ever: Japan, some mysterious place so far away that no one I knew had ever gone there. Not only could I go there, but teach there too. At least, in theory, I could teach there someday.

            My love of Japan has been a long-growing affair, starting when I was a small child, second grade being my first memories. I loved Sailor Moon, Pokémon, Digimon, and a ridiculous amount of other anime related television. In middle school, my mother joked that it was Cartoon Network’s fault when my grades dropped after Toonami was moved to Saturday nights; how was I supposed to do my homework when my weeknight anime was cancelled? All joking aside, I went from loving the cartoons, to loving the manga, to loving the culture I found. Japan was the beautiful place full of amazing things that I shaped myself and my dreams around. In my freshman year of college, I went to Japan for spring break and even got college credit for it. The moment I stepped off the plane, I felt as if I had come home. It was clean, polite, and impossibly cool, everything I had imagined. Walking around Osaka, Hiroshima, Kyoto, Takayama, and Tokyo, I could not have wanted more out of life. I was changed. Japan was no longer just part of anime and manga or the JET Programme. I now knew that Japan was a place I could belong, despite being a foreigner. Even remembering it, I am in awe, in love with a place so different from my own homeland.
            For twelve years, I introduced myself as “Christine, I am going to teach English in Japan when I graduate.” At least, that was the introduction I used when teachers and professors asked for an interesting fact about myself. I defined myself by this dream; it was the thing that made me unique. Choosing to major in English? Easy. Selecting my Education minor? Simple. Working towards being an English teacher? No problem. But in all these twelve years, I never thought about making my defining feature a reality. How to get into JET had never crossed my mind. Now, I know how hard it is hard reaching for my dream, how hard it is straying from the comfortable path of English teacher. But, I want to try reaching, straying onto that scenic route and teach English in Japan.
            When I realized I was graduating, I started looking into the logistics of the program and the experiences of previous JET participants. I read the blogs, every word on the JET homepage, anything I could find. Eventually, I joined the forums for people in the program, people who used to be in the program, and people like me, people who want to be in the program. Together, we watched and waited. We loaded our screens sixty or more times a day, just dying to know when we could start filling out the long-awaited application. November 2, 1:45 pm and there was an application, but the new registration was broken and I had to go to work. When I got home, November 2, 9:45 pm, I hopped on the computer, thinking it was just another useless attempt, but there it was! Twelve years of waiting, and suddenly, I could apply.
            Applying was not part of the plan, which might explain why the waiting is leaving me in tatters. The clock had started. The application was due December 2 at 5:30 pm in Washington, D.C. I had one month to compile the main application, authorization and release forms, self-assessment medical form, physician’s form, transcripts from Salem State University and MCLA, proof of expected graduation, proof of U.S. citizenship, two references, and a self-addressed stamped envelope, all of this and less than a month to write no more than two pages explaining why they should want me.

            How do you condense your reasons and qualifications for your lifelong dream into two pages? It took me three weeks of that single month and over eight drafts to finish, and even now two months after applying, I do not know if it was good enough. It started as four pages and over 1,200 words, then came down to two pages and 700 words.

Draft One: “My passion for Japan is probably almost as defining for me as my fairly obsessive love of English…”

Draft Two: “My passion for Japan is almost as defining for me as my love of English…”

Draft Three: “My passion for Japan defines me as much as my love of English…”

Draft Seven: “My admiration for Japanese culture defines me as much as my love of English…”

I had analyzed every word on the page, every piece of punctuation. I could not read it anymore.

            Sending the application was easy. In fact, the time between stuffing my sixty-nine pages of application into the envelope and receiving my applicant number was the least stressful part of the process. Three weeks later I received my number: 1755175. Once that was in my hands, I was consumed.

            It is crippling. My chest hurts. It’s hard to breathe. I can’t sleep right. No matter how hard I try, there is nothing else to talk about, write about, or think about. It’s a constant battle: should I be excited? positive? terrified? anxious? prepared? Honestly? I am all of these. My life is a giant knot and has been for months.
            I know that I won’t find out if I get an interview until late January or early February. I know this. But, I check every day. My mouse moves over the tab, as the image of the JET U.S. homepage comes up and those big ugly red letters appear.

The 2012 JET Program Application is now CLOSED

I hit refresh once more, the page loads again and those vile words come back. I am stymied once more. Every day, I loiter on the forums discussing the anxiety and excitement that we all share. I talk about JET constantly. My friends and family are exhausted from the roller coaster. Today, I know I got in, tomorrow, I know I won’t, back and forth, sometimes in only seconds, sometimes in days. It never ends.

            So here I am, waiting at a crossroads. Down one path is the easy normal life where I teach English in a U.S. high school. But down the other, I can catch a glimpse of Japan where I teach English as a foreign language. All people have dreams, but few actually pursue them. Since I assumed the end result and completely ignored the process, I am paying the price in stress. Now I can only assume that this is how people feel as they apply to be an astronaut or an intern at a hospital. I am wracked with the fear of failure and the excitement of success. Everything in me is pushing towards the scenic route, where I see Japan, my dream. For now, I cannot move forward. I wait, while someone else decides what road I follow next.